“your life is a cinch!”

well, maybe. i don’t disagree. i can’t disagree.

desperately would like someone to talk to but everyone is either noise or silence right now…or i just haven’t mastered the art of speaking honestly. or coherently. ahhhhhhhh. have been reading and mumbling prayers but still very stuck and empty these few weeks despite so much richness. and i’m back to talking to the internet a la 2009.

going back to work has been really challenging..lost momentum i suppose. it’s like an interruption. keep falling asleep in the day, staying up at night. not hungry not thirsty and bathing/hygiene is more of a service to perform for the sake of the general public.

okay okay breaaaaathe.

discipline in this season means: not giving in to sullenness, continuing to receive and give grace, fighting an urge to run away, fighting an urge to cut off and shut down and refuse to see anybody, giving my best at work. why? only because Jesus. otherwise i’m STUCK.

you’ve purchased me for holiness and i’ve not a clue what that means, dabbling as i do in so much filth and contempt. but i do wanna believe it’s the realest me and that i am free from my old self if only i will put her off already……

but it’s hard yo

been crying over my unimaginative dinner why do i cry so much? this is the hardest thing i’ve ever done, i mean loving God and loving my neighbor. counting my own interests as null. counting my own expectations and needs as null. daring to believe that a God i cannot see sustains my whole being. unearthing enough insecurity and vanity and crookedness from within to fill a small universe. holding a heart that is eager to please all the wrong people. a heart that wants praise and craves attention like a junkie, and for the lowest price. what have i done? oh my God what have i done — i have made myself the center of my life. and now everything is broken, everything is on fire.

somehow in my sobbing i am made aware that even this moment is mercy i don’t deserve. i am being unblinded. the deep freeze is beginning to thaw. perhaps that accounts for the burning sensation in my throat. i have to remember to eat, to chew and to swallow.

Jesus, you know what an infant i am in the way of true humility. please don’t stop teaching me. surely this is the most worthy lesson of all. i will give all my life to learn it.

Awake O sleeper! Arise from the dead! Christ will shine on you!

downtumble

At this place again where i am made to know how heavy and wrong my disordered-ness is

Disordered heart, disordered loves

All my conversations this week have been hollow and falsely bright and almost offensive…so fake eugh but coping mechanism i suppose until i finally yield to the real healing, the real healer

God i wait on your rescue. this is a bad place to be. but you are wise and kind.

I empathize with workaholism as an escape/runaway. Sweetness of productivity, invisible fistpump. But ultimately so empty when you’re alone. I’m wrestling with loneliness and it’s good for me and God is good to me.

Being here (emotionally) reminds me of freshman/sophomore year when i was truly convinced in my icky self-absorbed mess of self-pitying heroism that i should keep to myself and ‘shield’ the world from my destructive and manipulative tendencies

But i think i’ve learned better and i know that i need community most when i want it least

Oh man what a week.

What a fool i am…God surely you can’t be so cruel to show me my foolishness and then not deliver me from it. But i already know the answer. You owe me nothing. I owe you everything.

Wrestling all the wrestles again fight fight fight

Psalm 31. Be my fortress….oh wait, you are my fortress.

I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.

ya i have nothing else 2 say. wordlessness is contagious maybe. being weaned of smartypants-ness. haha. But GOD. But god. Bug dot gob………..

competence

after long days of feeling uncomfortably incompetent at work I come home and wait for soup to simmer and of course before I know it I’m making cookies because that’s something I feel competent at. 

but this is a false gospel.

I’m done with self pity and anxious thoughts and being less than grateful. this is not how I am called to do life. it’s not even my life. NEXT. 

you’re mending my insecurity. you graciously intervene in my life so I can understand that you alone are steadfast love and faithfulness. 

what a lovely run today. first mile always feels awkward (also, it’s uphill) but then it gets better then at some point it’s such a joy (also, it’s downhill). what a lovely life. 

here’s why I am grateful for my job

  • great hours, half 8-4 half 8-6: working a 40hour week is not to be taken for granted
  • I don’t feel pressured to take work home so I can cook, run, jam, call people, read at leisure
  • can go for community group
  • free shuttle
  • masses of friendly people
  • masses of genius people
  • it pays the rent, which is no mean feat in San Francisco
  • they have bananas at work

but also

  • I’m not good at it. my pride is suffering and I am being joyfully renewed. 
  • I don’t like it, so my heart is learning that Jesus is sweet enough. 
  • I don’t feel important, so I am trusting that Jesus is wise enough to do His work whether or not I see it
  • I don’t have a career advancement plan or a clear view of next steps, so I am waiting for an unknown outcome

in short, this is a divinely gifted season where I am learning precious lessons in patience, trust, and humility. for this I’m grateful. 

I’m also learning so many practical work skills like how to ask for help, how to respect others’ time and space, how much small gestures can change a working relationship. I’m learning how to focus and fight distraction. In college i defaulted to distraction…it seemed like the only way to do life. 

im learning how to develop habits and stick to them when I don’t want to. I’m learning self-control. im learning how to say no. 

but all this is foolishness if I don’t know Christ and am not bowed down daily in worship. if I am not confronted with sin and delighted by grace 

oh man. YA life is not a “thing” it’s just life. same struggles same solutions. 

heart

beating a little too fast. confessing anxiety. waging war against it. so tired of fighting this but THANK YOU JESUS for giving me this mercy opportunity to see your sufficiency. you are truly all sufficient. 

lesson: I would do well to STAY PUT and learn to cry out in this broken mess where it feels like values are upside down. because THE WHOLE WORLD IS THE SAME. the Internet is CRAMMED FULL OF LIES. 

less Internet more bible more prayer

sleep

this isn’t news but sleeping is hard for me. usually i wake up at five a.m. and feel relief when i let myself get up to start the day. like: phew, i can be productive again. i can do something. i think the french are onto something, the way they distinguish so precisely between the verbs for waking up (se réveiller) and getting up (se lever). to us they’re kind of equivalent.

anyway today was another of those days (or nights) of restless, shallow sleep and i woke up rather disappointed because 1) i took meds last night and 2) i’m sick. i stayed home, and after lunch i decided to take a nap. it was a ~90minute nap, but it was the sweetest, deepest sleep i’d had in a while. when i woke up i was thinking: hey me, you just did really excellent sleep, i’m so proud of you. and then i remembered sleep is a gift from God. hey God…thank You. thank You. i wanted to sleep more, sleep forever…..it was THAT good. 🙂

i’m thinking that deep, delicious sleep this afternoon had something to do with the fact that i sang about fifty hymns this morning and fell asleep praying (albeit incoherently). a rested waking-time soul –> a rested sleeping-time soul. but this thought makes me throw my hands up in the air, because today – staying home sick from work – is an anomaly. sure, i long to give my headspace entirely and wholly to Jesus and meditating on the word, but the plain truth is that i’m concentrating really hard for almost eight hours straight on something that demands all my attention. i do believe the work (purely, qualitatively) is good, but something about how i’m doing it is showing itself to be very damaging. and it’s not just all spiritual-y, either. i think work should ideally involve the whole self, including the body. and after NOT MOVING for the whole day i feel like a box of jumping jelly beans…so restless. isn’t that weird? immobility causes restlessness. true rest isn’t necessarily being still, or stuck, or paralyzed.

another thing that i wish work involved was human interaction…like working on problems together. there is some, but it’s really limited. i guess the nature of the way software engineering is done here is just very independent.

honestly, i’m such a big jumble. lots and lots of big questions. so many WORDS. justice, wealth, excellence, responsibility, love, fatigue, decision-making, leisure, human. and i’m SO relieved that God knows all the answers, because the weight of not-knowing is too immense on my own.

God, help me to walk the line between urgency and rest.
this is my life and i owe it all to You.
living in the tension is weird and wonderful and wearisome.

foolish foolish me for trying to bear the weight of sin and sickness and struggle on my own. NO NO NO NO NO.

across from me there are two vases of flowers. one artificial flower (IKEA, 99c) standing bright and tall. next to it, several drooping and dehydrated sunflowers from k. the living dead vs the dying life? hahha.

today’s lesson: i need Jesus.

flesh 

this is kind of weird but I keep thinking about the hug that L gave me on Monday. two, actually. warm and soft and soothing, the hug of a mother.

kinda like how nai nai’s right upper arm held endless fascination for me & S. we used to make her raise her elbow at a right angle so we could wobble her flab. it sounds strange but it was our small person way of showing affection, I think. 

for all that technology has replicated for us in our modes of communication I do not think there will ever be a replacement for touch. the angel of God touched Jacob’s hip socket. 

some lies

sickening unease at work that I’m not getting anywhere or accomplishing anything. imposter syndrome is NAUSEATING. 

it’s like someone turned off all the lights. where is the joy of the Lord?

violent urges to run away, all the time. isn’t that the story of the prodigal son? running away from what is already good. 

and, oh, the GUILT. especially in community. why is everyone so shiny? I can’t keep up. I can’t. I’m chronically grumpy and exhausted and not able to speak. 

heart needs nothing short of resurrection, and it needs it every morning.

what encourages me is thinking back to freshman year and the similar sense of lonely unease. like a mad itchy spot you just can’t reach. or the more you scratch the itchier it gets. freshman year of college encourages me because God showed up in every longing, every pang. Hey! I’m here! I’m what you need and I have already given myself to you. ALLL. THE FULLNESS. and He is here in my transitional malaise, in my helplessness, in my shame of not measuring up to who I think I should be. 

lies: I am without help/beyond help; I am defined by failure/inadequacy; I am relationally bankrupt/incompetent; I am joyless and have nothing to look forward to; what I do every day doesn’t matter; who I talk to every day doesn’t matter

true without Jesus but absolute rubbish when I think about Who I Am. 

learning about Calling upon the name of the Lord in truth.

wheewwwww practicing this honesty thing is a little scary