From the whirlwind. Never-ending lesson of dependency and self-helplessness. Let me fall on grace.

I am…

Wrestling from convos with J about justice, vocation, mission, self-centeredness, broken systems.

Giddily anticipating time back home in the next ten days.

Grateful that my lot in life is so rich!

Mournful, because wedding-planning, house-moving, traveling, and life-logisticking in general have revealed a lot of selfish anxiety to be the dominant ruler of my heart, rather than the peace of Christ.

Hopeful that even in my failure I will have many, many chances to boast about my weaknesses to testify that God is good, and that all of my life is sheer grace.

Determined to take a Real Rest From Work.

Trusting because there’s no other way to emerge from each day with its worries/stresses/frictions unscathed.

In this season I am Humbled by relationship. Humbled by the magnitude of the ministry i am walking into. I think April 15 would be really symbolic — smack dab in the middle of the resurrection. We are caught. Tension-y.

In this season I am re-thinking a lot of my ambition. I have refused to identify with the ambitious, driven type – but maybe that refusal has just been my chronic fear of failure talking. Maybe the fact that God is God and I am man means that it is OK to be just OK. A fear of mediocrity can be a thin veil for swollen pride. And I don’t mean corporately-defined success. More like Christian-defined success. We have such deep presumptions about what a ‘successful’ or ‘faithful’ or ‘intense’ Christian looks like. What if I’m just OK and I make a lot of mistakes and don’t do anything palpable or significant??? What if I’m called to be normal. What if I dared to let the law of love define my priorities & my calendar. I.e. what if loving God + loving my neighbor were the motivation for everything?

God, be lifted higher. Higher in my life. Help me to humble myself before you as appropriate. You are true, you are good. I love to be with you and to rest in your word. It’s the only real rest I have found in my twenty three years of struggling. Everything else is toil & hype. Make me yours. Unsnare me from the lies that are so immediate that I have a hard time calling them out. I’m still so insecure. I haven’t fully worked out your salvation in so many areas of my life, though I am encouraged by how You are already doing such a clear and good work in me. I still see me first, then You. I still tend to my needs first, then his or hers. Unbuckle me – undo my foolish cover-ups & shame-avoiding tricks. Rearm me with the armor of God. AMen.


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