anxious thoughts

test my heart abba. know my anxious thoughts.

you want so much more than just to smooth away wrinkles. feeling anxious and panicky are symptoms. PM word from the weekend = self-medicate; we are all self-medicating addicts. i cannot self-medicate my insecurity or my hunger for glory. you are the real physician and you will not perform symptom treatment. you have given me a new heart, and now i’m working it out with plenty of help.

spirit of wisdom and revelation, please help me know God.

i remember reading ntwright after you believe and being so encouraged, because it was giving the reader permission to stop thinking of sanctification and mission as mutually exclusive endeavors. being like Christ and implementing Christ’s work are one and the same. resting again in the beautiful-crazy truth of ephesians 2-we ARE his work, as part of body (of course this goes with a radical redefinition of ‘body’). no longer slaves, but sons. Jesus you must be lifted high inside of me and outside of me.

thank you for sending me to PHL this weekend, for preparing so many good works for me to walk in. You have given me words, for others and for myself.

i confess that im really anxious about work.

i confess that im discouraged by my own slowness to learn any real humility. slowness to grasp that You are worthy of praise and not me. slowness to want the whole world to worship GOD.

i confess that i tire so easily because i am building my own kingdom – forcing others to approve of me and admire me.

again, you soothe and liberate and rebuke me with the Truth. i have nothing to prove because i’m already done for – already a goner – without the saving work of Jesus Christ covering me. He has proven all, proven victorious, proven glorious. all i have is for you. my job, my friendships, my money, my time, my intellect, my heart-emotions. big shared truth of the weekend = all my stories are God’s story. this world is playing out his narrative, even in rebellion. he’s that much in control.

i’m not ‘cool’, except for what you have done in me. not able to uplift or counsel or even FUNCTION without grace moving in and out of me.

here goes…a fresh season! i want to be full of thanksgiving. koreana paper-scribbles are good nourishment even when soup is undrinkably salty. confessing need is the beginning of gratitude. prodigal son story.

OK here we go here we go. 650am. up up up. full and feasted on word. and you will continue to be with me. be with us, lord. you are emmanuel. your NAME is presence, is being.


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