been crying over my unimaginative dinner why do i cry so much? this is the hardest thing i’ve ever done, i mean loving God and loving my neighbor. counting my own interests as null. counting my own expectations and needs as null. daring to believe that a God i cannot see sustains my whole being. unearthing enough insecurity and vanity and crookedness from within to fill a small universe. holding a heart that is eager to please all the wrong people. a heart that wants praise and craves attention like a junkie, and for the lowest price. what have i done? oh my God what have i done — i have made myself the center of my life. and now everything is broken, everything is on fire.

somehow in my sobbing i am made aware that even this moment is mercy i don’t deserve. i am being unblinded. the deep freeze is beginning to thaw. perhaps that accounts for the burning sensation in my throat. i have to remember to eat, to chew and to swallow.

Jesus, you know what an infant i am in the way of true humility. please don’t stop teaching me. surely this is the most worthy lesson of all. i will give all my life to learn it.

Awake O sleeper! Arise from the dead! Christ will shine on you!


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