At this place again where i am made to know how heavy and wrong my disordered-ness is

Disordered heart, disordered loves

All my conversations this week have been hollow and falsely bright and almost offensive…so fake eugh but coping mechanism i suppose until i finally yield to the real healing, the real healer

God i wait on your rescue. this is a bad place to be. but you are wise and kind.

I empathize with workaholism as an escape/runaway. Sweetness of productivity, invisible fistpump. But ultimately so empty when you’re alone. I’m wrestling with loneliness and it’s good for me and God is good to me.

Being here (emotionally) reminds me of freshman/sophomore year when i was truly convinced in my icky self-absorbed mess of self-pitying heroism that i should keep to myself and ‘shield’ the world from my destructive and manipulative tendencies

But i think i’ve learned better and i know that i need community most when i want it least

Oh man what a week.

What a fool i am…God surely you can’t be so cruel to show me my foolishness and then not deliver me from it. But i already know the answer. You owe me nothing. I owe you everything.

Wrestling all the wrestles again fight fight fight

Psalm 31. Be my fortress….oh wait, you are my fortress.

I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.

ya i have nothing else 2 say. wordlessness is contagious maybe. being weaned of smartypants-ness. haha. But GOD. But god. Bug dot gob………..


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