competence

after long days of feeling uncomfortably incompetent at work I come home and wait for soup to simmer and of course before I know it I’m making cookies because that’s something I feel competent at. 

but this is a false gospel.

I’m done with self pity and anxious thoughts and being less than grateful. this is not how I am called to do life. it’s not even my life. NEXT. 

you’re mending my insecurity. you graciously intervene in my life so I can understand that you alone are steadfast love and faithfulness. 

what a lovely run today. first mile always feels awkward (also, it’s uphill) but then it gets better then at some point it’s such a joy (also, it’s downhill). what a lovely life. 

here’s why I am grateful for my job

  • great hours, half 8-4 half 8-6: working a 40hour week is not to be taken for granted
  • I don’t feel pressured to take work home so I can cook, run, jam, call people, read at leisure
  • can go for community group
  • free shuttle
  • masses of friendly people
  • masses of genius people
  • it pays the rent, which is no mean feat in San Francisco
  • they have bananas at work

but also

  • I’m not good at it. my pride is suffering and I am being joyfully renewed. 
  • I don’t like it, so my heart is learning that Jesus is sweet enough. 
  • I don’t feel important, so I am trusting that Jesus is wise enough to do His work whether or not I see it
  • I don’t have a career advancement plan or a clear view of next steps, so I am waiting for an unknown outcome

in short, this is a divinely gifted season where I am learning precious lessons in patience, trust, and humility. for this I’m grateful. 

I’m also learning so many practical work skills like how to ask for help, how to respect others’ time and space, how much small gestures can change a working relationship. I’m learning how to focus and fight distraction. In college i defaulted to distraction…it seemed like the only way to do life. 

im learning how to develop habits and stick to them when I don’t want to. I’m learning self-control. im learning how to say no. 

but all this is foolishness if I don’t know Christ and am not bowed down daily in worship. if I am not confronted with sin and delighted by grace 

oh man. YA life is not a “thing” it’s just life. same struggles same solutions. 

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