this isn’t news but sleeping is hard for me. usually i wake up at five a.m. and feel relief when i let myself get up to start the day. like: phew, i can be productive again. i can do something. i think the french are onto something, the way they distinguish so precisely between the verbs for waking up (se réveiller) and getting up (se lever). to us they’re kind of equivalent.

anyway today was another of those days (or nights) of restless, shallow sleep and i woke up rather disappointed because 1) i took meds last night and 2) i’m sick. i stayed home, and after lunch i decided to take a nap. it was a ~90minute nap, but it was the sweetest, deepest sleep i’d had in a while. when i woke up i was thinking: hey me, you just did really excellent sleep, i’m so proud of you. and then i remembered sleep is a gift from God. hey God…thank You. thank You. i wanted to sleep more, sleep forever… was THAT good. 🙂

i’m thinking that deep, delicious sleep this afternoon had something to do with the fact that i sang about fifty hymns this morning and fell asleep praying (albeit incoherently). a rested waking-time soul –> a rested sleeping-time soul. but this thought makes me throw my hands up in the air, because today – staying home sick from work – is an anomaly. sure, i long to give my headspace entirely and wholly to Jesus and meditating on the word, but the plain truth is that i’m concentrating really hard for almost eight hours straight on something that demands all my attention. i do believe the work (purely, qualitatively) is good, but something about how i’m doing it is showing itself to be very damaging. and it’s not just all spiritual-y, either. i think work should ideally involve the whole self, including the body. and after NOT MOVING for the whole day i feel like a box of jumping jelly beans…so restless. isn’t that weird? immobility causes restlessness. true rest isn’t necessarily being still, or stuck, or paralyzed.

another thing that i wish work involved was human interaction…like working on problems together. there is some, but it’s really limited. i guess the nature of the way software engineering is done here is just very independent.

honestly, i’m such a big jumble. lots and lots of big questions. so many WORDS. justice, wealth, excellence, responsibility, love, fatigue, decision-making, leisure, human. and i’m SO relieved that God knows all the answers, because the weight of not-knowing is too immense on my own.

God, help me to walk the line between urgency and rest.
this is my life and i owe it all to You.
living in the tension is weird and wonderful and wearisome.

foolish foolish me for trying to bear the weight of sin and sickness and struggle on my own. NO NO NO NO NO.

across from me there are two vases of flowers. one artificial flower (IKEA, 99c) standing bright and tall. next to it, several drooping and dehydrated sunflowers from k. the living dead vs the dying life? hahha.

today’s lesson: i need Jesus.


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