sickening unease at work that I’m not getting anywhere or accomplishing anything. imposter syndrome is NAUSEATING.
it’s like someone turned off all the lights. where is the joy of the Lord?
violent urges to run away, all the time. isn’t that the story of the prodigal son? running away from what is already good.
and, oh, the GUILT. especially in community. why is everyone so shiny? I can’t keep up. I can’t. I’m chronically grumpy and exhausted and not able to speak.
heart needs nothing short of resurrection, and it needs it every morning.
what encourages me is thinking back to freshman year and the similar sense of lonely unease. like a mad itchy spot you just can’t reach. or the more you scratch the itchier it gets. freshman year of college encourages me because God showed up in every longing, every pang. Hey! I’m here! I’m what you need and I have already given myself to you. ALLL. THE FULLNESS. and He is here in my transitional malaise, in my helplessness, in my shame of not measuring up to who I think I should be.
lies: I am without help/beyond help; I am defined by failure/inadequacy; I am relationally bankrupt/incompetent; I am joyless and have nothing to look forward to; what I do every day doesn’t matter; who I talk to every day doesn’t matter
true without Jesus but absolute rubbish when I think about Who I Am.
learning about Calling upon the name of the Lord in truth.
wheewwwww practicing this honesty thing is a little scary