woken by whatever it is that compelled me to wake at 0545hrs (part hunger, part midterm-awareness, part habit) and now i have finally made an attempt to journal. i am thinking about distance, particularly in relationships. though i have been spending such an unprecedented amount of time with people i feel like distance has been making its home in many of my closest friendships. in some i have been negligent in keeping it away, in some it has been mutually ordained, in some it has just… happened.
here: it hurts. what i am struggling with is that in some of these cases i do think that distance is the right thing, because of where i am in life and what is appropriate and healthy for me as i grow up / prepare to be ‘independent’. but i ache to depend, to please & to receive love for doing so. it has always been this way.
gently, slowly, i think God is stripping me of this allegiance that i have that comes before my allegiance to Him, for didn’t he say i must hate my own father and mother to deserve the discipleship of Him? it hurts, it hurts. i am happy to compound my community and my God and to say that He loves me through them and i love them through Him, but maybe this too must be distilled and i must learn more clearly how to let Him be source and single affection of my heart.
i can tell that i am grasping. in the middle of doing my work in the afternoon i stop sometimes and try to understand what it means that i am leaving, and in some sense all my life i will be leaving, moving away and losing touch and being ripped away from the familiar and the very fond. in exile. but always with comfort and hope and dignity.
so, today i am very sad (as i have been feeling the past week or so), but my sadness is helping me to reach for Him who will lift me out of it with His very presence. He is close enough to be my shield, my shelter, my shadow, and also brilliant enough to be my sun.