full circle

so many things have come full circle in the past week alone. what i mean is that i am constantly finding myself in the same situations as i did three years ago but in the opposite role. like: doing the flyering instead of the polite (or otherwise) ignoring, trying to prolong conversation with freshmen instead of trying to run away as tactfully as possible, giving directions instead of getting lost, selling books instead of buying them, sending out way too many emails with way too much info instead of being an overwhelmed recipient, auditioning people & preparing meals & fighting at the cashier to pay & on & on.

one immediate response is gratitude. yesterday i sat in capo breakfasting and gratefully remembered the many conversations i’ve had with older sisters there. i don’t even know how these good ladies got hold of me in my freshman year with a text response ratio of maybe 20:1, but by grace they did. they have really exemplified the kind of selfless and Godminded pursuit of another that harnesses and demonstrates Love. i am so bad at this but i am thankful that i have these inspiring examples to think back upon and to encourage me.

however, increasingly i think that posturing the self to give give give can be dangerous in its own way and i really need to constantly remind myself why i am doing all this. why serve? it’s such a lot of time & energy, and sometimes self-righteousness and a savior-complex can creep into the heart without warning, without any obvious external sign. one of the big takeaways from sunday’s sermon (well, there were several but this one stuck) was that you can easily do the right & good thing — but with truly terrible methods and with a heart that is devastatingly misaligned.

possibly the failure in service and in any relationship is as simple as this: a failure to love. when someone starts being hard to ‘love’ & i re-evaluate the way i have been treating them, it often turns out that i was using them all along. the same goes with God.

on another note, people have been very encouraging and affirming lately. it is nice.

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