001

After three years of wrestling with the likes of Zorn’s Lemma & Joyce’s Ulysses, I am spending my senior fall semester taking intro courses such as Astronomy 001 and Psych 001. I tell this to people in a humorous way and they laugh with me. But after the first day of class I was really struck by how both classes instantly demand a coherent worldview. They beg explanations for the most basic but most overlooked consequences of being alive every morning: I am me and I am here. Who am I and what is this place?

I wonder how seriously we take these questions. I wonder if we have been trained to become masters of modularity – separating what we study and what we believe almost instantly, effortlessly.

Lots of flurry but also lots of calm. Some scenes repeat themselves over and over in the nicest possible way. Sitting in the same lobby talking-praying feverishly with the best sisters one could ask for (that lobby though… it gets rearranged so often I can’t keep up). Walking lazily around west philly and taking a gazillion wrong turns because of the hills and the eccentricity of the neighborhood. I was asked today what my goal for this year was, and I said stability. People say stability is overrated. But to anyone who has experienced the fright and terror of having lost all grip/control, stability is the most exciting thing ever because it affords you total freedom. Freedom to be in the wind and the confidence to know there is no gust that can make you fall. No need to step cautiously or steer clear of certain situations/people, no need to be choked by idiosyncratic routines or rules.

One day at a time, sure. But today I am full of peace. There is work to be done that I don’t know how to do, there are conversations I do not know how to have. Relationships moving and shifting and growing and shrinking. Future looking more and more foreign than I ever dreamed. The world going crazy, my loved ones in pain. But peace is within and I will cling inwardly to it. And tomorrow, repeat.

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