awake & exhausted because of hyperactive immune system responding to dust and tropical humidity. a full day of socials today reminded me of how i felt throughout most of the school year, i.e. i love meeting and knowing and talking but it drains me to the bone and i feel colorless and ultimately upset with myself for being weaksauce. still fighting with God/self about this, working through my silly sense of inadequacy and envy and FEAR that more could have been done/a better person would have done Y instead of X/i am obviously not the better person.

really truly the last thing i want to do now is my quiet time but i suppose this is what they call the exercise of the will… augh. even the Internet has ceased to be distracting or remotely interesting any more. when every thing hurts it means you have a swollen soul.

feel like i am running around carrying all this toxic stuff that does no one any good. and the idiotic thing is am incapable of putting it where it should go. you know i kind of want to recycle it. who likes wasted effort/time?

i don’t think today’s qt struggle is pure laziness…maybe some measure of bitterness and or disappointment that i don’t really want to process right now. ALL THE MORE. Ok ok ok ok ok. deep breath. my Father is good. His word is life. letsgo…for the battle occurs HERE. at THIS level. believe it or not. #notsosunshineytoday


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