conversational speech is like going over the vault. in gymnastics.
the past three years i’ve learned to take myself less seriously.
sometimes i flop.
one question i want to ask myself daily is “what is important?”
and then, “did today properly reflect that?”
i feel self-centeredly self-conscious when i talk. i excise and rearrange sentences in emails so it doesn’t look like an army of first person pronouns. why?
this is a terrible feeling to feel but i’m growing a little bit cynical towards close reading. sometimes i’d much rather let things be. i hate how literature makes people argue unthinkingly. i know most things can make people argue unthinkingly. but to take someone’s art and use it unproductively seems disrespectful at best. the classroom today was stifling & frustrating and i felt utterly drained though i barely said a word. who am i to judge anyhow.
this year i have had glimpses of how to live calmly and quietly amidst great flurry and storm. it takes an enormous effort but i think it’s worth it. better than shaking & passive always.
one of the nicest small feelings in the world is aiming a Look at someone and finding that they are aiming the very same Look at you. i don’t mean in a silly romantic way but maybe a Look of helpless perplexity or stifled laughter or hysterical fatigue that kind of thing.
i know it’s proper to start heaving and sighing about how quickly things have passed & how i am not ready to think about graduation or the real world but sometimes i do think i am ready, or at least the softglow of artificial college life is starting to wear off.
not that i am any bit aware of what i will do or where i will go.
and not that this doesn’t scare me thoroughly.
but i want to wear a sort of boldness and confidence that only unworldliness can give. this shall be my challenge to myself.
as an aside, this rant is the product of my having a headache and being unable to dissect another line of poetry without screaming.
but i think that feeling is ending.