like a child i just want to go somewhere and cry for a long while, i think this is the first time i’ve been, hm, not quite angry but incredulous towards God – what kind of awful birthday present x2 is this? why are you making my family hurt. why. why are you making my dear, dear mother bear so much. and it is just plain CRUEL, this timing, this gradual and painful playing out of every fear. i feel like an ant shaking a twig at a giant.

yes who am i to doubt Your goodness but it seems just a little bit odd/like a mixup when my comforter is the very same one who is (if not causing pain) then withholding relief. oh i know i know that this pain is common, universal, visits everyone at his appointed time but that makes me more (not-angry-incredulous).

feel stuck. and like i am in a place / we are in a mess that no amount of processing or therapy will ever change. maybe an epsilon of improvement but even then the improvement is modular, internal, doesn’t even begin to lift/clean this massive heaviness that sticks to all of us like corn syrup.

no i am not a stranger to pain but i feel like nobody ever told me or warned me that the pain gets amplified five billion times when it is tied up with someone else’s pain. when you WATCH THEM HURT.

deliver me, deliver us.
everything living thing gone wrong must die and live again.

just drinking a lot of coffee (like… a lot) and taking a lot of sleep-aid and still not sleeping. showers. a lot of showers, and a lot of cooking for no good reason. feel like….i am tempted to stop being good for once and to just do something crazy. but no. no i know that won’t happen i know something big and fundamental will not let me.

pray. pray. i will not stop praying or fighting. i promise. make good of this, make good of us, make good of me. i surrender. i yield. i dont know what else to do. i feel so unentitled to whine because objectively everything is so sparkly. but. like a child- it hurts, and you can’t tell me it doesn’t.


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