paranoia

I get really nervous when people ask ‘hobby’ questions to try and break the ice, and it’s worse that they do that simply because they’re decent people. How do I explain that I think most TV is junk and that I just.. don’t want to watch it? Will there be an awkward silence if I say that my favourite music is classical or that my favourite book is a piece of Christian writing? Or maybe I just am weird. Piously old-fashioned in an extremely unbecoming manner. I don’t know. So I have a list of ‘default’ responses to give people. And I murmur and disappear when people find out I have no interest in clubbing or have no desire to participate in recreational dating/hooking up. I’m ashamed of being so different, and struggle with that a lot.

Sometimes I am convinced that it is the world which is truly irrelevant. But it is such a strong statement to commit to, because in essence I’m saying I’m right while everyone else is somehow wrong. To say that would require an extremely large amount of pride on my part, or else an extremely large dose of folly on theirs. Or both.

Whoever loves me must hate the world, said He. That’s HUGE. Sure, it’s like another of those nod-your-head-mm-that-makes-sense things at the weekly Bible study. But it feels incredibly challenging when you get down to applying it.

I take so easily to the promises of the bible. God, help me to have the same readiness and enthusiasm for the difficult parts too.

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