God shows me over and over again that I am the least reliable predictor of my own future, ever.
When I am determined to be miserable I find myself compelled to joy, and when I am determined to be fiercely happy I fall asleep in between sobs.
He’s been surprising me with what He helps me do. Simple, small things like stepping out of my shyness. He throws off how I perceive people by having them surprise me. He lifts my spirits on a day that seems made for mundanity, He coaxes me into talking to Him through the hours and finding immense pleasure as we go along. No more prime factorizing the time just to make it go by faster.
God is gentle with His children. I am a harsh person, on myself and on others. His meekness is refreshing and almost difficult to believe.
Very soberly I say that I want to grow, in these few months, to be a woman.
I remember thinking that on the plane ride here. Father, I have this vacuum of time. I know that I am still a girl. Your child, yes, but I have not grown up, because I see that I act like a girl. And now I want to put away childish things.
And slowly, beautifully, God has started to answer my prayer. In very practical ways – learning to manage household things, finances, education, healthcare. And (dare I say it) in the wishywashy realm of emotional and spiritual development, too. I can hardly expect perfection. In fact that is not what I want to focus on, or want to consciously measure. No such thing as, how good was I today? or How many times did I lose my temper this week? Rather, I’ve been put in a place where I need to put down roots that are permanent. I’ve been pulled out of familiarity, kicking and screaming, and then left slowly to re-work on the very things I thought I had down pat.
God surprises me.
I want to know why I believe. One evening I sat at Starbucks asking, over and over, Lord, Why do I believe in You? I want to have the guts to toss aside the reflex that dismisses questions like that, saying Aren’t you too mature a Christian to be thinking about such basic questions? So I want to know why.
I want to know what I believe, because it is the most important part of who I am, and deserves weight and worth. And time.
I want to know the Person I believe in, as true and accurate to Him as possible, devoid of my own superimpositions.
A little thought: God is not a priority. Indeed He is not a thing on a list. He is the shaper of my priorities, the very shaper of what should or should not be important to me.