why oh sigh.

circumstance seems inversely proportional to walk with God – the more calamity around me the closer I am. or feel, anyway. i don’t know. i just know i hate this and if it takes an earthquake then Lord i beg you to send it, please shake me up because i’m really close to falling. what’s wrong/what happened? sine graphs cosine graphs are alright, yknow, yay fun rollercoster blah. but this is practically a tangent graph! from positive infinity to negative infinity in a heartbeat. and horrid thing is at the same time i feel so bound, so obligated to maintain the status quo because anything else would be a headache but i know that’s disgusting

i really really want to give up- there i said it. i’ve never felt so tired and so sick and so clueless before. all this for what? isn’t it just one wilful delusion after another? and if you say that’s only what it feels like and not really it then honestly what’s the difference between you and me? i guess everything comes out from under the carpet now, sigh. sweeping was fun while it lasted but like a kid who’s stuffed a lifetime of cauliflower or whatever under the rug for as long as she remembers there comes a time where you can no longer stand the stench or ignore the lumpy ground. what disastrous timing (wait, God has perfect timing) – guess what’s up tomorrow? and in the general frame of things this is the time to be stepping up not falling down. but i guess i owe honesty at the very least. Lord, please pull me out of this rubbishy rut. AHHHHHHHHH.


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