and try hard not to notice

Am sorely disappointed but gack, hate that word because it implies I feel responsible for other people, which I do. I guess this is a very good reminder to stop deluding myself about people and about myself: nothing, nothing surpasses the love of God and absolutely no one comes near. Yet that conviction doesn’t show through. At all.

I find myself always praying for my desires to be more Christlike. Is that the same as asking for an easier job? I just figure that since I can’t bring myself to do the right thing, I pray hard to want to do the right thing so it’ll come naturally – but it’s the will, it seems, that God honours and not the desire. I believe they’re mutually exclusive, and that unless there is an absence of desire you can’t say with any certainty that there is will, because will is what’s left despite desire. Maybe I’m using the wrong words, but you get what I mean.. Desire is emotional, for the most part, and highly subject to change and notably lacking in objectivity or moderation. I don’t know what will is. Conviction?

Like: If everything we do, even becoming more Christlike and trusting in God more and learning to be less and less, is from God’s strength, which part is up to us? Decision-making? Faith? Perseverance, discipline? What is the determining factor, in other words, that drives one to seek God unswervingly which is completely left to us? There has to be something something in the big realm of free will, right?

I think the song title seems to fit quite nicely: Trust and obey. Trust is something that anyone can give and isn’t a virtue in itself because the value is measured according to what or whom you trust in. Same with obedience. So in relation to Christ…

Gah okay too tired to continue + too much nonsense to do. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ITALICS IN THIS POST?? I am in an emphatic mood I guess. And a complaining one, I’ve realised /: Complaining spirit go away!


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