surreal

Life doesn’t feel like life anymore. I’m a different person. I think differently. I have different problems, different values, different relationships, different ideals. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing I just know it feels funny. Is this what growing up is like?

Everyday is a new drama I guess but it gets boring, because it’s always the same kind. Boring dramas are okay when you’re watching them on television but when you’re involved in them it’s just.. beualugh. Alright stop complaining! D:< Have so much to be thankful for.

I’m intensely curious to know what my life will be like in 5-10 years.. it isn’t an awfully long time away, actually. It’s frightening and thrilling to imagine. I don’t think it will be equally as thrilling when I actually get there. Why why why do I want to know? Looking to the future is as bad as looking to the past. It’s like giving yourself a chance to lie to yourself that things in the past were much better than they actually were and it gives you something to miss, something to long for. Something to look backward to. It’s some form of reassurance that the right now of now being lousy is alright and not your fault because you’ve been through better, it’s just life throwing eggs at you.

This is as hard as squelching a knee-jerk reaction which occurs once every two seconds.

I feel so young and old and sometimes, just sometimes I feel embarrassed for being so out-of-place when everyone else looks and acts their age. I know who I want to be but that conviction doesn’t always follow through and to tell (who?) the truth I’m scared of slipping. Most of the time I’m comfortable with who I am and what I stand for and where I’m going but occassionally I watch myself sticking out and being conspicuously awkward and wonder whether I’m being an extremist (not exactly an unlikelihood) or an arrogant self-righteous fundie with the wrong reasons. And augh I have no time for soul-searching.

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