what i need is

a big fat healthy dose of Reality in its purest form – TRUTH. HARD-TO-SWALLOW, PAINFUL AND BLESSEDLY HEALING TRUTH. No more rationalizing/speculating because it feels good and convenient but gets nowhere. Right so this started when I thought of something mildly disturbing today.. well not disturbing in itself (BECAUSE IT’S TRUE), but disturbing in the fact that I could have missed it so widely and could have.. well, deceived myself so far. Isn’t it sad when you’re totally unable to objectively asses your objectivity? That’s me, over and over.

Breathe.

God is there. God is here. I want to praise God in my darkest times but it seems it’s only in the bright times I manage to say that with any form of conviction. But, yeah okay, it’s the inability to lay things down at God’s feet willingly which makes times dark in the first place. So what do I do when I get there? I was somewhere there yesterday, and so was God and I want more of that to happen – more of God taking over, more desire for God to take over. More spiritual appetite. Less gorging myself self-indulgently in terms of my worldly appetite. None, if possible.. yet all not by might, not by power but by the spirit of God.

The fact that there are bad times after good and that there are good times after bad… it’s just a fact. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t nullify either nor make either any less significant. For lack of a better way to express myself, it just IS. The Law of Undulation. It’s quite a nice fact, actually.

Wisdom.. I’m going to need a lot of it.

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