Determination is not-so-admirable after all and perseverance and self-control and discipline sometimes are pathetic euphemisms for an obsession. Or in my case, two bad obsessions. One life-threatening and one irritating. I need control. It’s not my fault if what I’m obsessed with is bad. It’s not my fault if it’s destroying me. What if I were obsessed with something good and noble and lofty? Equally as irrational but totally admired and uplifted and whatever crap.
I’m going down and down and down and there’s this thought that’s floating slowly towards where I am and it says I don’t even want to live anymore. But that is so selfish that I’m not going to think it.
Praise God in hard times is a lot easier to say when you’ve got the emotional shizzle to help. You know the feel-good spiritual high slash brokenness slash whatever. My emotions are nottttt helping. Can I still look to God? Although it’s the last thing in the world I feel like doing. Can I? Can I? Can I can I can I what on earth is left of me if my brain is gone and my nice charitable holy feelings are gone and my friends are gone (my faultttt) and my sanity is gone and the pressure to maintain a sparkly image is gone? I guess what’s left is me, and that is scary, that I am seeing who I really am and what I really mean and want and value in life because that ain’t a chance you get very often but you seeeee, the fact that this is going to show me what I value then becomes a reason for me to change what I value because I want to value the right things. But then what’s wrong with that hur maybe ultimately that’s the only determining factor that’s left (right)