oftentimes is a stupid word

I feel completely out of control – and the high/happy moments are meaning less and less because now I know for sure they won’t last take this morning for example I was the happiest calmest person in the world and now boom crash I’m at bottom.

Typically: I feel like crap and i feel like crap for feeling like crap. I feel utterly messed up. Messed up? How, you ask. My body – this is probably the most obvious. My body is screwed. It’s also the easiest to deal with, somehow because it’s not my fault. The pain is okay. The insomnia can be popped with a pill and the fatigue’s a good excuse as any. Nausea and constipation aren’t so nice, but still very tolerable. The worst thing is my mind I don’t know what’s going on. I’m being a freak. I am a control freak. I am a monster. A monster – I feel like frankenstein’s monster. I’m two-sided and I hurt people. I irritate, I annoy and I seek attention. I’m despicable. I ignore and I cause worry. I’m a burden. I’m a source of stress. I’ve lost all my self-confidence.

Best part is I’m starting to be able to bring myself to do the “Hey, you feeling better?” “Yup, thanks” thing 50 times a day. No, I won’t be mean because I really appreciate concern. I just don’t know how to answer truthfully. “I feel like crap”?

Ugh. I need to stop crying.

Hey. At least I’m being honest here. 1000000000%. Honesty’s a virtue, last time I checked.


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